Two hours...

 

During the first years of  being a mother, (on good days) I had two hours to myself. Meaning, I had two hours in which a lot needed to happen, but nothing notable could in fact, happen. 

 

Time simply felt too fragmented for me to fully commit myself to anything of substance, so it would often result in senseless youtube watching, social media, news or tv....Or, perhaps not so senseless at all, I could make myself a bite for lunch and enjoy it calmly by myself.  I could clean up the mess we made in the morning. I could reply to urgent work emails. I could get back to one of my friends' messages. Especially the first 1,5 years, more often than not, I would just nap with my baby boy myself, out of pure exhaustion. Then once my boy turned 2 years old, I noticed I didn't need the naps for myself as often anymore. So I started to use the time for those little, yet insignificant (or that is how it felt to me) things. It wasn't until I had a much needed weekend with my two best friends around that time, that we shared some of our wishes in life. Somehow we touched upon the idea of me writing a book someday. To be fair, this wasn't a new idea. I've played with that thought since I was quite young.

 

Now I find myself wondering, can I bring myself to write? What can come out of me, and on paper,  if I choose to spend those fragmented moments writing. What if this is as good as it will ever get? Surely, If we are blessed with a second baby at some point, time will be even scarcer and chaos will prevail. Will that keep me from finding little moments to write? Like today? Each sentence that I write feels like it could be the last. Because I know the feeling so incredibly well of being cut off in whatever it is I was doing in order to tend to my baby. Any moment now, I know my boy will wake from his nap. I will rush upstairs to greet him, kiss him, cuddle him. Share stories with him. Meet his little warm body and embrace him. I wouldn't trade being right here with him for the world. It is everything and I am beyond grateful I have a loving partner and a good dose of courage that makes it possible for me me to choose this life with our boy. But that doesn't mean I don't find it incredibly hard at times to use my time wisely.

 

Today was a good turn of events I should think. I managed to bring myself back to this page. I thought, what if two hours is all you're gonna get Iva?  What if I just run with this and see where this leads to? 

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